


And I Can't Leave You, Not Yet

by potter_redheads



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:15:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26695876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potter_redheads/pseuds/potter_redheads
Summary: Remus and Sirius are drifting apart. It's complex, this war, but they can't leave each other, not yet.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	And I Can't Leave You, Not Yet

Remus wanted it to be over so badly. He didn’t want the heartbreak, the pain, the sorrow of losing someone over and over again. He didn’t want to be a distant second in Sirius’s life, always the guy in the background looking lost. It was always him.

They’d dragged it out too long, really, trying to keep a flame alive that had gone out months before, and the matches were lost. Sirius had loudly proclaimed love in public, but in private he was cold, cool, icy like the walls of their apartment that they never left.

The war was hard on everyone, Remus knew, but somehow he just felt like the world was ending right in front of his eyes and he was powerless to stop it. Sirius was slowly slipping away from him like water through outstretched fingers, the tide sliding away slowly until it left only empty, dark sand.

Remus thought the sand was his heart, an apt metaphor for how he was feeling. He just felt…. lost? Broken? No, he felt like something was missing. Secrets seemed to yawn in a chasm between himself and Sirius, words unspoken that once would’ve been shouted.

It was the war, the war, he wanted to blame it all on the fighting and the Death Eaters and Voldemort, but he knew it wasn’t. Something had been lost between him and Sirius, and he needed to find out what it was.

Gathering his resolve, he slammed the book he’d been reading down, crumpling the page he’d been reading for over an hour now, the words never sinking in. With a stiff rise from the armchair and a deep sigh, he walked with a heavy heart to the closed study door.

Sirius was in there a lot, parchment strewn over the desk and ink splattered on every surface. Countless discarded owls and Daily Prophet’s littered the floor and shelves, reflecting the tangled predicament the pair found themselves in.

What Sirius was doing was a mystery to Remus. Ever since he got back from the werewolves, the facades had started to creep back onto Sirius’s face, masks pulled over his feelings and eyes blank with emotion. The last time Remus had seen Sirius show true emotion was when he cried over the Mckinnon’s deaths in the living room, letter crunched in his fist and what seemed to be the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Remus lifted his hand to the wooden door, fist clenched as he prepared to knock. Three short raps on the oak, and a shouted cry of “Yes?” later, Remus found himself face to face with the man he used to love.

Sirius looked awful, there was no other word for it. His eyes were bloodshot and haunted, echoes of the merriment at Hogwarts, and his hair hung limply against his head. He was hunched over the desk, ink stained on his hands and clothes faded.

Remus wanted to pull him up and push him into the shower, kiss him like they used to before everything turned to shit, but he knew he couldn’t because everything had been lost. All the years of trust and love had been broken with the pain of a war.

“Remus.” Sirius’s voice was dull and cracking, with hints of longing - or was Remus reading too much into it. He didn’t really know.  
“Padfoot. I jus- Can we talk?” Remus fiddled with a loose string on the end of his jumper. When Sirius gestured for him to push a space aside on the battered couch, he shook his head.

“No, somewhere…. somewhere not here. Please?” There was hope in Remus’s voice.  
“Sure.” Sirius was monosyllabic, not boding well for the coming conversation.

Remus said nothing, only turned and walked out the door to the living room. They hadn’t been in the same room for a while, alternating sleeping between the bed and the couch and avoiding the other as they passed through the apartment.

He could hear Sirius following him, soft footfalls reminiscent of Padfoot’s steps. Remus missed those times- But now wasn’t the time to remember the golden days. There was a serious talk to be had.

He slumped on the armchair, Sirius taking the loveseat across from him, and cleared his throat.

“Well, fuck. I just- I mean-” Remus fumbled his words as he picked at his fingernails. He decided to just get to the point. “Do you even love me anymore? Cause it feels like you don’t. It feels like we’re fucking strangers, Sirius, and I hate it. We don’t talk, you don’t kiss me like I want you to so just please, please, do you love me still? Tell the truth.”

Sirius sat silently, a miserable-looking figure wrapped in a patched black blanket he’d snatched off the back of a chair. He licked chapped lips nervously, and coughed before speaking.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if I love you anymore. I don’t know if I can still say those words from my heart, if I can trust my feelings…. Merlin, this war is ripping us apart. But I want to say I love you, fuck, Remus, I want to say I love you so much but we don’t do anything to prove that love. I just- I just want to be young again.”

His voice cracked on the last word, betraying his stony face. Remus caught a glimpse of what Sirius was truly feeling, and it was horrifying. Sitting across him was a man who was broken by the world, done dirty in life and love but still managed to smile and pretend everything was alright when it really wasn’t.

There was a sudden wash of guilt through Remus’s stomach. He decided he couldn’t stay silent, let the words rip him apart.

“Me too. I just want to go back to Hogwarts too, Padfoot. But fuck. Well I’m going to say it. I love you, Sirius Black. I love you so fucking much, like the stars love the moon and the sun loves the clouds and summer loves winter. I just want to spend my whole fucking life with you and be yours forever and ever cause I know we’re meant to be.

But you don’t love me, fuck, don’t say it. I know it. I just- I just can’t let you go, not yet. I can’t lose love amongst this when we’ve already lost so much. Stay with me for now and I promise I’ll do my best, swear I’ll love you even if you don’t love me… just stay. Please.”

Remus inhaled sharply as tears pricked his eyes. Burying his face in his hands, not caring that Sirius was watching, he cried. He cried for the people he’d lost, for the cruel, bitter world, and most of all for the man sitting opposite him.

He didn’t deserve Sirius, it was true. But all he wanted was him and he was a fool for it, a fool for wishing on stars that were never there. Stars like Sirius. Tears were still streaming down his face as he hiccuped and looked up at Sirius.

Sirius was crying too.

And suddenly Remus couldn’t take it. He lunged the distance and pressed his mouth to Sirius’s, feeling the chapped surface but loving it. He kissed him like there’d be no tomorrow, like they were going to lose each other tonight, like there was no one else in the world.

Sirius kissed him back. There was urgency in his lips, a passion that hadn’t been there for weeks. Remus loved it. His fingers wound through Sirius’s hair as he sighed against his lips. Sirius lay back against the seat, Remus sprawled across his lap. Sirius dragged Remus down and suddenly they were pressed tight against each other, nose to nose and breathing heavily.

“I love you, Padfoot.” It couldn’t go unsaid, Remus thought. Now was the perfect time, he supposed, to get him back. “I can’t leave you, not yet. I love you.”

To his surprise, Sirius said it back. Perhaps it was the both of them that couldn’t leave, not yet.


End file.
